You can't sit on 2 horses with 1 ass, sugar bean...

So, how will you choose?  I am the worst decider in the whole wide world.. I used to think I was really good at it.  I would make a decision and Boom - it was set.  I had decided.  Neat, tidy, uncomplicated and complete. Next.  I was decisive.  I knew what I wanted - I knew where I was "supposed to" be and I did it because of what was expected of me. "You should make this choice." "This is what is right for you." As a result, I regretted a lot of decisions I made out of obligation, or expectation.

If you would have asked me at 16, I would have told you I wanted to sing for my life, go to St. Olaf for college, graduate, get married and have kids... how do you like your pizza? - everything - except peppers, please - so she said, and she had it all figured out. You could wrap it up in a red bow and put it under the Christmas tree.

Well, I did go to St. Olaf, I almost transferred at least twice - I am a Project Manager - still sing, not for my job, mind you - not married, no kids... and I know I'm right where I belong.  Although.. I still do like my pizza with no peppers :)

I don't really remember when it started - I learned to become a storyteller - my decisions started coming slower and a good portion of them, I realized, weren't completely mine to make. The decisions I had so hastily made before, were things that had to come - unfold - not simply by the matter of my own personal decide it right now, will.  There was more to it than the "this makes sense right now", decision.

Maybe, it was the first time I left everything certain behind that I felt the impact of being really truly open to what was in front of me.  It was a huge risk.  Being open meant I wasn't just hanging out there for the good stuff, but that I was wide open to every curve ball the world had to throw at me, including the bad.  I was up to my eardrums afraid.  I knew nothing and I knew, I knew nothing.

And then she put a name to it and called it grace - although I definitely couldn't have put my finger on it then, this scared shit-less kid held out her hand to the world and came back with a handful.  I knew myself better after those experiences - but my decision making has, ever since, decreased in timeliness. Why?  Because I don't decide.  I pray.  With all my might I close my eyes and open my hands. Still, today, it is one of the most difficult things in my life. My will versus God's plan..  where will you use me - where will you fill my hands?  God is so big and is capable of ANYTHING... so I began to realize.

This openness has teeter tottered for decades - through tragedy and anger and a paralizing fear of being hurt - but each time the sweaty-palm, balled-into-fists-kid remembers the grace - the growth - the love and hands so full they are overflowing.  And with that kind of grace, there is nothing to do but let go - release it all and let God fill these hands - no matter where they've been or what shape they are in.

Like my hands, the world - people - places - events have changed my overall heart shape.  This sheltered, tender, desperately afraid heart began to develop into something I am still trying to figure out.  But a few things I have learned along the way:

1. "You can't sit on 2 horses with 1 ass, Sugar Bean" - There is a certain conviction of spirit that shapes your character with your decisions. The ones you yourself will into being and in contrast the ones God reminds you of, over and over.  I have learned, I can't proclaim to live my life a certain way and then actually live it out differently... you will, indeed fall off the horse.

2.  "Your hands start hurting" I'm sure, after long term exposure to this so called "fist clenching" it could even cripple you.  No matter where you are, you are capable of writing your own story - either by will or by force, or by God.

3. "It's like it came out of no where."  How many times do good things float into your life? They are blessings, recognize this is what they are and count them as such.

4. "If you build it, they will come."  hahaha - this one was a bit of a stretch, but I really wanted to use it.  If you build an open heart on a foundation of grace, I wonder what will fill it?  If God fills your hands, don't you think God can and will fill your heart?

5. Be courageous - with all of these things and the right decision will win out in the end.  Then you know God is in it.

Inspired

I've been itching for a few days to sit down and write.  Typically the words need the time to fill the space in my head and spill out naturally.  I'm a thinker - reflection is a part of my day whether I like it or not and when there are big things going on, I typically need a second to let this mind of mine catch up and wrap itself around it.

My last 6 months have been a bit of a whirlwind.  A whirlwind, I know, I haven't been in charge of on purpose.  Over the years God has taught me to go with the flow - and just as the Spirit moves within us, God is never wrong. So, with all my type A, planning personality - I've tried with all my might to surrender everything and ask my fearless leader to lead me, walking a wobbly step or two behind like a blindfolded kid being steered in the direction of a treasure-filled pinata.

  ..And suddenly I hit that sucker.  I have come to this place where so many things finally add up- like treasures scattered around me and they make some real sense.  I say suddenly like all of it happened overnight.  It did not.  Over years I've taken my fair share of swings - just catching air with valiant effort.  I have been the reader of this story as it slowly unfolds, consistently wondering what is up - constantly wondering why this old soul, tender heart and busy mind combined in me exactly the way they have.  But as I've watched the process of God moving in my life, I am indeed amazed, yet again, by the magnificence of the Spirit which grows inside of us as we build our relationship with "the numba one stunna".  Again and again I am reminded of the vastness and capabilities of God and as much as I plan and fret, everything is already taken care of - just like the birds of the air...  and now I see the purpose.

With all these things on my horizons, I am learning to exhale the breath I feel like I've been holding for decades.  I realize, I don't need to hold my breath - I just need to breathe and be at peace.  Feeling a bit like a little girl who has just lost her training wheels on her first bike, I find this to be the ride of my life- exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.  I know I've got a ways to go, but I'm finding my pedals and legs are connected already.

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring, will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time. Through the unknown, remembered gate, when the last of earth left to discover is that which was the beginning;  At the source of the longest river, the voice of the hidden waterfall - and the children in the apple tree, not known, because not looked for, but heard - half heard, in the stillness between two waves of the sea.  Quick now, here, now, always. A condition of complete simplicity - costing not less than everything - and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.  When the tongues of flame are in-folded into the crowned knot of fire.  And the fire and the rose are one." T.S. Eliot

The quote from T.S. Eliot I found while taking a creative writing class at Hong Kong International School.  It made sense at the time and fit my journey to China perfectly at 17 years old.  My first flying-solo trip and international flight alone. My first real starting a brand new school with all new faces.   All in one.  But the time away from home at 17 taught me so much about what I loved and needed - what it meant to really be home.  Reading the poem again now, it still applies because it makes me think of my own personal growth, the way my life perspectives have changed and developed over time - not just from the good things, but from the things that were the hardest hurdles for me to overcome.  Our sights change through our experience - like "Gold tested in fire"  we are God's constant projects and are being prepared for our own life's purpose before we are even aware of it.  God is keenly in tuned not only with our gifts, but also, with our needs. With all this preparation our insights and perspectives develop to see people, places and things in our lives which, likely, have been there - or at least nearby all along.

So, I'll leave you with some Alexi Murdoch so you can ponder your own journeys, plans, pinatas and bike rides.  Just don't forget where to find the air that fills your tires... and just breathe.

Love, love is all around...

When I was a kid, Christmas was quite possibly the most exciting day of them all.  Anticipation would build up in my half-pint insides as the prospect of our family Christmas party and open house would draw near - oh, and did I mention... Santa would definitely be making an appearance.  I knew from experience how special the celebration would be and what was in store for the evening's activities.  The neighbors would come, my cousins and Grandparents would come.  Everyone who was important in my life would be there.   What a day.  

Now, my Christmas time has shifted a bit and my grown up sentiments with the time.  Christmas is my time of rest - a few days off work and for this year, a few days in the great white North.  So typically it is surrounded with family and friends, as this year is no exception... I know, none of these ideas are super unique or intriguing for a Christmas-esque post... but just hold on for a sec.

So I would say it started a few months ago, when I was re-introduced to my buddy Dave Matthews and his little band, and their version of a Christmas Song.  A random mix from my iTunes pumped through my car speakers.  It was still warm outside as I listened to the words.  I had never related to the Christmas story the way Dave explains it - but he nailed it on the head - Everything that has to do with this season is about Love.  "Love, love is all around." - and why?  Because of a few extraordinary courageous moves by some folks God tapped on the shoulder.  

As part deux of this "tapping me on the shoulder" struck me at church on Christmas Eve - no, it wasn't the crazy rendition of Faith Hill's "A baby changes everything...." of which I was not so much a fan.. nah, baby nah - but there was another note the service touched on which struck a chord with me.  Read Luke 2: 1-23.  And this is what clicked in the mind of a twenty-something Project Manager, sitting at the very back of the church, crumpled in between my brother-in-law and a pack of strangers: 

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

So for me, I thought about what it means to ponder something between you and God in your heart. What happens when something unexpected and unplanned interrupts your version of the world?  Mary was visited by an angel who told her she would have a child - at an exceptionally young age, out of wedlock - during a time where this was hugely taboo.  On top of that, her boyfriend/fiance, Joseph - who was a sturdy, well-respected Carpenter, didn't just drop her like it's hot (in the words of Snoop Dogg).  He too had received some divine interventions from angels, though. This story paired 2 pieces of an almost impossible puzzle together to bring into the world a little Jesus baby. That is a miracle.  

I am a planner.  I am a communicator.  I like to know what is going on :)  But what God really asks of us is to leave the planning of our lives up to God - who is in every moment and every single detail, in the things I have not even thought about, planned for or had the chance, yet, to worry about; in the people who walk into our lives, the events that change it forever and alter our perspectives. 

And so with my whole heart I ponder my plans with God - the things that I want for my life and the things I expect, my hopes and fears - and I hand them over to the planner of the universe.   I have no control ultimately over any of these things and being so, I will surrender what I have control over, because it is not my plan I'm fulfilling.  And I should know by now, that my own plan sucks. :)  God's rocks my socks off - so I'll go with that one.  I'm looking for the miracle anyway, so I might as well go with the one who invented them. 

So for all of you, I wish you the happiest of times off, a little bit of rest, a miracle or two - and to remind you - love, love is all around.   

The wanderings and ponderings of a 13 hour drive

Listening to:  Miscellaneous James Taylor


I can say without hesitation that Minnesota is the state that is my home away from home.  But I can also say that living in a place does not make it home.  Home comes with love and affection, growth and triumph, change and hard times and a support system that will not fail you.  If you have come to call a place home do it alone, it is not really home.  


Think of it this way - define home.  What are automatic shoe-ins of your home base? What keeps it that way?


Between the snowy winters of Minnesota, humid summers of Ohio and the rainy days I spent running the back roads in Ireland, somehow those 3 places fit.  People and experiences combined to create the distinct feeling of being home.  I was not alone and I found myself in a certain chapter of my very own novel that unfolded and started to write itself.  God and his fingertips typing away - writing the moments in the sun and the ones in the shade - none of which I regret.

Minnesota and I had a long hard run, and it wasn't always a place I loved or wanted to be.  It was a long and winding road, filled with struggles and dream crushing moments.  My brother-in-law and sister took amazing care of me in those first few years - whisking me away - my rescuers - to a place where I felt safe and sound - and a little more like myself.  At that time, Minnesota was the epitome of difficulty and I struggled with every moment I had committed myself to being here.  


Then one day I stumbled across a group of girls - several of whom I knew to see on campus, but none of which I was close acquaintances or even friends with.  They in themselves became my silver lining, Minnesota.  For 2 years, I was blessed with a houseful (9 of us) of 20-something girls.  We fought with each other, debated social issues, drank too much, cried over boys, cried over school, worked our butts off, cooked, talked, movie watched, danced and played together.  Suddenly, I had family - a gaggle of sisters who shared with me.  And in these moments these girls and I began to carve out a bit of home - and it was the first time I was glad I had chosen to be where I was in the arctic tundra of winter-ass-cold Minnesota. 


So, now I have come to a place I call my second home to visit my family - the immediate and extended versions.  I have a lot to celebrate.  My first niece is now 6 months old.  To play and laugh and be ever fondly "Titi CeCe" - titi is short for auntie in Spanish.  I have a beautiful, strong, amazing sister, who I have watched, from a few years behind, as she has grown and changed and became the best wife and mother I can imagine.  I have a funny, spirited, honorable brother-in-law who I have gotten to know over the last 15  years, who teases me and in this time has become my real-deal brother.


In the spirit of celebration, my extended Minnesota family - my housemates - college sisters come together to celebrate the life of one of the most vibrant people I have ever known. You see a few years ago we lost one - a housemate, a friend, a roommate, a confidant, a home base, a sister.  She was caught in the middle of a senseless and unfathomable crime and taken from us.  To this day I struggle to realize the fact that she is indeed gone.  I can still hear her voice and her laugh and remember her very unique light she had about her.  I carry a little bit of her with me every day.  In a funny way she has become the glue to our gaggle of girls - all of us in different spaces and places in our lives - but because we all knew and loved her together, only we can relate to the struggle that each of us feel right around this time of year to be without her.  And so, a group of girls who could have chosen to go their own ways have learned to call each other family - over heartache, heartbreak, triumph, joys, weddings, new additions, new jobs, new boyfriends, new opportunities, new home-bases, finding family and growing one.  I know I will know these girls when I'm 40, 65 and hopefully 90.  


And this is what I ponder on a 13 hour drive - How is it that a group of maybe unlikely friends learned to call each other family?  How is it possible for people who touch your life for just a second have the ability to make such an impact? - when they go away - when they aren't what they once were - when they are gone forever - or what new people in your life have the potential to be.  And after all of that, who you are when all those things are coming and then gone - all the ways I have changed and evolved.  I have thought and prayed about all the what ifs and could bes or maybes - I am learning to surrender all these uncontrollable things to God and let the paving of the path be left to its rightful owner - and yes, even on my long drive I was reminding myself of this.  Everything can change in a second.  That is the funny and amazing thing about life.  It is very possible for the heartache to break you, but isn't it amazing how resilient the heart is?  I have learned in all of these things to take courage and live life with everything you've got while you've got it - and I certainly will.  


So as I leave you, I hope, amidst your long drives - that my funny, fluffy, floating perspective on life reminds you not only who you want to be, but hopefully too of the perspective you have.  You can always change your stars - half of the difficulty is in the way you see them.  

Unmistaken

Every once in awhile I wonder what God is up to...  Like I could wave a flag and call a penalty - Delay of game - What are you doing? ... This is not in the sense that the universe is being altered in some other solar system far away or how a shooting star does exactly that  - and -  how magnificent it is when I catch it.  I have no doubt that the "God reach" can alter the earth and the stars and create some natural miracle to even help clean up the mega oil spill we so carelessly and easily made.  The expansiveness of God never surprises me.  It catches me off guard, but never surprises me.  Why?  Cause sometimes I forget that someone is paying very very close attention.  Even when I think he is not -  I know that everything being set into motion is not a mistake.  Not. A. Mistake - and oh by the way, he is indeed is very observant.  


My path, however, is filled with its ups and downs just like every person out there.  Like each of us, there is light and darkness in my life.  Light fills up our beings to the brim and this is what we hold onto - like laying in the sun, it leaves a tanline on your soul - warm, contented, healthy light that you carry with you.  The darkness as a contrast to the light are our challenges, frustrations, fears, pains and finally our hurdles - these are what we are meant to climb over, dredge through and sometimes be piggie-back-rided over. (yes, I am aware that this is not an actual word.  Go with it.) 


I love my light.  It has become a part of my strength for it encourages my resilience. It helps me make some spiked lemonade when I picked up a pile of lemons.  It fills me to the brim and runs over again.  I hope it spills off the table, onto the floor and over to the neighbors house so they can have some too.  The light - as in every great story that's been told over the span of history, always battles the darkness.  And darkness is everywhere - Interesting though, is that the darkness always seems to be outside.


I am a relatively happy and contented person.  Always have been.  My parents tell stories of a remarkably happy child, and oddly enough, I'm proud that this is my given disposition.  Like God rubbed his hands together, put a sly smile on his face and said - yes, this one will be a little different.  But lately I have hit this big fat wall of - what?!  really?! Restless discontentment and frustration... I have always been mildly restless.  I think it is what makes me think outside and live outside of the box.  However, two very a-typical adjectives follow the first.  I have learned to tame my restlessness, but the surprise of discontentment and the expansion of frustration were brand spankin' new. This is not the way I would describe my life, nor the outlook I would like to have. (insert no no no no no no no no here).  :)  Let it load.  It's worth it... So, I am doing my battle with the darkness.  This is my path and while I walk it I have to always remind myself... This is not a mistake and it really is kinda kick ass. 


So - What do I know? -  I know -  My steps were carved out for me before I took my first breath.  That is my unmistaken truth.  Where I have been and where I am going are not a coincidence.  No - there are too many interconnected pieces.  Too much of a backend database attached for it to be  a "user error".  Too many unrepeatable instances of chance and coincidence that changed my life.  I have had the chance to encounter people whose light has become amazing stained glass windows in my life even in some of the most brief and happenstance encounters.  Having known and loved is not an accident.  Do it purposefully. 


To be honest, I'm not surprised that these feelings find themselves floating to the surface around this time of year.  Fall has always been my favorite -- that is until a few years ago - fall of 2007.  Now Fall is dark and holds an incredible weight.  But like the great stories of history where the light battles the darkness, the darkness never wins.  It will always be fought, and it will always lose, because the light can't help but draw out the goodness in every crack and cranny.  Even the darkest night of the soul.


I don't know where you are.  Maybe you're restless and wandering just a bit like I am.  Maybe you know exactly where you are and where you belong.  For those of you who are trying to figure it out as much as I do,  I hope this makes you think about why you are where you are and how you got exactly here. And maybe it will coax you to do it on purpose.  Whatever it is you're doing.  Do it all the way. I hope pondering this puts your mind at ease and your heart at peace. Isn't that what all of us are really looking for anyway?


So on my path that is glittered with amazing friends and wonderful family who keep me on the road when I'm stumbling a bit - they remind me to look up.  Stained Glass Windows fully lit. Sunrises. Sunsets. Harvest Moons. Christmas Lights. Fall bonfires.  Those are my descriptives for you.  Go forth and set the world on fire.  ;)  

What are you passionate about?

Scattered about the office like chocolate sprinkles on a sundae are these posters that read "What are you passionate about?" ... on the bathroom door, on a wall on the 2nd floor, on the noodle in the main kitchen where we all eat our lunch - you stumble across them and stare. It always makes me scratch my head. "What am I passionate about?"

There are so many things I am drawn to and feel strongly about - my family and friends, my little dog Evie, kids, competition and working out, doing nice things for complete strangers... I consider myself passionate about many of these things, but I decided I wanted to make my list.

I am passionate about:

Love.

"Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love." It's not so much love in a romantic way I guess, but more so, how can I better love the people who are in my life? How can I support my friends, be there for my family and put others ahead of myself so they know without a doubt they are loved - for the good parts, for their flaws, for their strengths and weaknesses. Even if it is not returned every second of every day I feel like it is the one thing I can give unaltered and without hesitation.

Love is something I have received in droves of gifted examples. Shan and Ty and Kerry and Matt are the ones I can take every self conscious conversation and not be self conscious about it. Just one of the many examples in my life where my friends became my family. Without question. Where my creativity is fostered and stretched and challenged. These are friends that make me an immediate and always included fixture of their lives - when they are close and far away.

I dabble in song writing. It was not until Matt became the other half of "Falling For December" (our band) with me that I became a song writer -where lyrics matched chords and harmonies and suddenly fell into place. Ty knowing the existence of "Falling for December" asked us to be a part of Ruin Me - one of his amazing social photography projects which captures humanity in its various forms. His message to the community was to love those who may have gone unnoticed or unloved.

That was our first experience as a band performing for anyone other than Kerry - Matt's wife, and Katie - their dog. It was also my first experience singing anything I'd ever written in front of a room full of people. Lyrics or otherwise - music is a piece of you - especially when you've written it. It's like telling a complete stranger everything you've stowed away in the overhead compartments of your heart. You make sure those suckers are closed up tight for take off. I never could have without Shannon and Ty's encouragement, Matt by my side - and Kerry, in the audience - taking pictures :)

My parents are the best people I know. And they love me. Poor kids. They didn't know what hit them when they got me. I challenged my mom. I stretched my dad. But they proved above all that they love me - no matter what the odds. But certainly it is because of their love that I have explored things that I was relatively uncomfortable with - up and leaving the country - multiple times. College out of state. Expressing ideas that were not exactly what everyone else was doing or saying or representing. Their love has set a fire in me that makes me passionate about cooking and travel and marriage and family and faith and love.

People.

I work with people every day. I direct a children's chorus. I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, a friend, a teacher and a neighbor. But it is the other people on the flip side of this picture that have made my life of any consequence at all.

My sister is expecting her first baby. Our family is bursting at the seams with overwhelming joy and I am most passionate about being an aunt because I have had the opportunity to be a sister. I have had the opportunity to be a witness - watching my sister marry the love of her life - watch as their marriage has grown for the last 9 years - watch as I became a sister to my brother in law - and now watch as my teeny sister's belly expands as the months pass and I am ever closer to meeting my new little niece.

Work will have challenges. Tough days, Tough clients, all things meant to stretch and grow you as a person. In these situations your relativity to others and your ability to hike up the proverbial hill is what builds character and the knowledge of yourself. If you don't have challenges, you are likely not in the right spot my friend. Even so, the reason why I am passionate is because of the people who help me hike the mountain. I wouldn't have had the days in the sun, the great conversations with my client, the break through moments of figuring out the next step, or the feeling of unity or working on a team towards a unified goal without those who have coached, encouraged, taught, fought or teased me on this path... Yeah, I'll admit it. I'm passionate about you. Don't let it go to your head ;)

Junior high is like every girl's nightmare. No kidding. If you were never a 6th or 7th grade girl, there is nothing more horrifying. I certainly had my ever visible flaws - braces, awkward baby fat, pimples and stringy hair that was ever chlorine fried as I spent the majority of my time in a pool on swim team. Now experiencing the flip side of my twenties fly out the window, I encounter a room full of these very same 3rd through 9th graders every week. They are funny, they are exciting, they are full of wonder and delight and like most kiddos of that age group, they are never 100% sure of themselves - just like I was.

I am passionate about them having a conversation with music - talking about life through music - learning more about who they are and who they want to be - through music. Most of the "rules" we have in this room can be related to their lives "be courageous" meant to be with their singing voices - but the voice with which you are courageous should also trickle into the way you live your life. "You can do it" with my best Joey Tribbiani impression - but if you're gonna do it, you better try first. "Listen as much as you sing." It is ok to sing with your giant voice sometimes, but you also must have a sensitivity to your surroundings and take in what is happing around you. Sometimes you match it, sometimes you challenge it, but either way, you must participate. So I hope in my little choir, more than music, I hope I am encouraging growing little people to be sensitive to others, and know who they are.

Music.

If I had a disorder of some kind it would likely be that music is on my mind... always. I am the nerd that tries not to sing along with her iPod at the gym - yes, I actively try not to move my mouth when I work out... the singing is not audible. I promise.

Occasionally, someone will say a phrase which I will complete by singing the rif or refrain of some song... I doodle new lyrics to songs not yet written on note pads while waiting for meetings... The music is always on... I sing... I write... I teach... If I didn't have music, the battery of my life would likely switch off. It is a language that pulls at the heartstrings, evokes emotion and there are very few barriers it can not break. I am certain even my greatest enemy and I could find middle ground when it comes to music.

About a month ago I was introduced to my sister's 5th grade class. Her introduction was this: "Hey guys! This is my sister Carolyn. Remember I told you the story about how she used to wander the neighborhood singing at the top of her lungs?" 5th graders response: " YES?!" "NO WAY." "Hiiii Carolyn!" ... my face = red. - My point - I'm passionate about music.

Faith.

Last but certainly not least. My faith is my compass. Who I am, where I'm headed and how I'm going to get there. There is likely nothing in my life that I haven't consulted God about... and I'm not talking faith like church every Sunday. I'm talking down and dirty relationship with God - he's got all my secrets, my failures, my triumphs, everything that is good in me - my voice, my spirit. I have faith that I am being lead.

Even right now. Right now it looks like plan A might end up as plan B. - You know what I mean- As a kid you picture yourself at different points in your life. "At 22 I will be x, y and z." "At 25 I will be A, B and C." So the designated letters of the alphabet haven't happened. Doesn't look like they are going to happen any time soon. It makes my heart ache just a little for those are the things, above all, I want most for my life.

But faith tells me to hold on. Plan B might still be pretty awesome for God has created in me an adventurous spirit and who knows - maybe plan A might fall into place while I'm working on plan B. So I follow faith's lead with hope - and those two somewhere along the way become inseparable and I am passionate about this path - even when it is quiet and dark - there are always stars in the sky to light the way.