Move

In recent weeks there has been a few themes that have blossomed in my own little corner of the world.  I often think of them the same way my Mom makes her infamous popcorn... old school style.  As the oil sizzles on the bottom of the pot, you never know which kernel will suddenly burst in its glorious white goodness.  Things are always percolating below the surface and then suddenly they just burst - with inspiration, epiphanies, challenges, change and perspective. Growth.

Now, the idea of a theme has many connotations:

As defined, it can be a focal point - topic of discussion, unifying element, motif - like the visual topic, in a work of art. In music, it is the principle melodic subject, that is often revisited.  In Grammar, it is the common idea, or "the root".  It is the groundedness of the story.

And so, the grounded, rooted, common melodic theme that has just floated through my life is... bah da da da. Togetherness.  Koinonia. Devotion. Ezer Kenegdo...  Each of these words has a distinct meaning when it comes to the melody of togetherness.  Koinonia is a word that came across my plate a few years ago when doing a Bible study with some girlfriends - it specifically touches on the idea of communion and fellowship. Ezer Kenegdo is the idea of having a helper for your life.  It is the word that was used to describe what Eve was to Adam - she was created and fashioned with intention - to be his helper for his life.  So, with all these words of togetherness, how does this apply to me - A single, twenty-something who wrestles with her own restlessness and tries to pull it all together... mostly on my own.  What does that mean to have and share and desire devotion and togetherness in the ebb and flow of my life?

I don't know.  It is still developing, changing and becoming.  But I know it's not just the end of the road that matters, it's each step that is taken on the journey and each hint that I get. To be a part of any of these "theme words" you must be exactly that - a part of something larger than yourself.  You are one half of an irreplaceable part in a friendship or a family, a relationship or maybe a marriage.  Without you, there is no togetherness - there is no devotion when I am nothing more than "ck flying solo"... (inner pep talk dialogue to myself as much as any of you who read my ramblings.. ) 

It is my nature to want to help, care for and support.  I feel alive and needed when I am in a care taker mode.  I have strong reservations in the department of letting someone else take care of me, allowing someone to see when I am vulnerable and in need, in an in-depth sort of way.  I put up a little buffer, where I rarely ask for help outside of my own immediate family.  As long as I can remember, it has made me slightly uncomfortable, like I shouldn't allow someone to go out of their way for me.  There is an element of "if I never ask, then maybe I won't be disappointed when something falls through the cracks, or there is no follow through." So I stopped. When the opposite happens, I certainly don't expect it and feel immeasurably indebted to that person in those instances.  I know, this is absolutely ridiculous - what is it that gets in my way?  Pride? Fear of disappointment?  Maybe.  So these things paralyze me and I never move from the same pattern of never ask, and my buffer stays perfectly in tact.

Like so many, I don't want to need help.  We live in a culture of complete self-sufficiency, but needing one another is a built-in aspect of our humanity- that which connects us to each other. So when I discover I need as a part of my human condition, and encounter someone ready and willing to be there for me in my need, I am humbled.  As I expose these unknown, unrecognized aspects of the deep crevices of my heart, I ask myself, what does it mean for me to be steadfast, courageous and enduring -  to live in the mystery of togetherness, to give and take and ask and receive?  Maybe it's less about steadfast and courageous and enduring - those come easy to me, maybe for me in my own journey it's about letting, allowing and receiving...   

I am a fixer.  I shine when I am put in work situations that require creativity, restructure, in depth thoughtful and holistic planning, understanding and patience.  I don't do so well when I can only see one small corner of the world.  I need to see the whole story and how each part is connected to it - (throw back to being an Interdisciplinary Fine Arts Major) - it is about the relationship of that one thing to everything else.  I tend to make good decisions, because I see how good decisions affect my life as a whole.  I want to please, follow the rules and make everything OK for those who surround me.  It is still a little hazy around the edges...  But what I am learning, is that it is OK for me to want and need that same devotion, koinonia and togetherness in the varying degrees we should receive it as people.  It is OK for me to ask for it.  And of course, at the very core of my search to understand God's breath and spirit moving in my life, I have come to realize that I cannot be in the fringe of togetherness with God - no matter where I hide or how much buffer I add to the surface.  There is no fringe when there is God.  The Spirit is all encompassing.  And that is what I look to for my example... Which leads me then to Ephesians 3:16-21

Now, usually, when a little ditty like Ephesians comes across my plate, I pay attention, mark it in my Bible, see how it applies to my life and move right along.  It takes a sec to sink in. When something comes across my plate twice, OK, I'm paying attention,  what are you trying to tell me?.. but 5 times in the last 3 weeks?  It seems as though there is someone trying to get my attention and I should wake up and start thinking, talking and meditating seriously on what impact the words have:

¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

When these words were spoken to me in a sermon a few weeks ago they sparked tears in my eyes - I need the reminder of how wide and long and high and deep God's love is and how far that love goes to root me - back to the theme - to center me, keep me on track, remind me, keep me, protect me, stretch and grow my insides, teach me what I am lacking.  Then, the example was given to use these words not only as a reminder, but as a prayer - replacing "You" with whomever you wished to cover with these words.  And I did.  

You see, my reminder has been - God is at work and certainly not done... ever. And what is my track?  My track is exactly my gifts - that which sets me apart.  My list that makes me exactly my own - an original, an only - these things are the things the Spirit moves within me.  And the Spirit knows my weaknesses and will constantly challenge me to be better.  Life is not about sitting on the hamster wheel and running the same track.  And so steady as we go, we grow.

So, I ask as you read this - what moves you?  What sets you apart, makes you feel calm, whole and filled?  Seek it - grow it in your insides... "In him who is able to do immeasurably more than we all ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..."  There, is the Spirit that moves.

You can't sit on 2 horses with 1 ass, sugar bean...

So, how will you choose?  I am the worst decider in the whole wide world.. I used to think I was really good at it.  I would make a decision and Boom - it was set.  I had decided.  Neat, tidy, uncomplicated and complete. Next.  I was decisive.  I knew what I wanted - I knew where I was "supposed to" be and I did it because of what was expected of me. "You should make this choice." "This is what is right for you." As a result, I regretted a lot of decisions I made out of obligation, or expectation.

If you would have asked me at 16, I would have told you I wanted to sing for my life, go to St. Olaf for college, graduate, get married and have kids... how do you like your pizza? - everything - except peppers, please - so she said, and she had it all figured out. You could wrap it up in a red bow and put it under the Christmas tree.

Well, I did go to St. Olaf, I almost transferred at least twice - I am a Project Manager - still sing, not for my job, mind you - not married, no kids... and I know I'm right where I belong.  Although.. I still do like my pizza with no peppers :)

I don't really remember when it started - I learned to become a storyteller - my decisions started coming slower and a good portion of them, I realized, weren't completely mine to make. The decisions I had so hastily made before, were things that had to come - unfold - not simply by the matter of my own personal decide it right now, will.  There was more to it than the "this makes sense right now", decision.

Maybe, it was the first time I left everything certain behind that I felt the impact of being really truly open to what was in front of me.  It was a huge risk.  Being open meant I wasn't just hanging out there for the good stuff, but that I was wide open to every curve ball the world had to throw at me, including the bad.  I was up to my eardrums afraid.  I knew nothing and I knew, I knew nothing.

And then she put a name to it and called it grace - although I definitely couldn't have put my finger on it then, this scared shit-less kid held out her hand to the world and came back with a handful.  I knew myself better after those experiences - but my decision making has, ever since, decreased in timeliness. Why?  Because I don't decide.  I pray.  With all my might I close my eyes and open my hands. Still, today, it is one of the most difficult things in my life. My will versus God's plan..  where will you use me - where will you fill my hands?  God is so big and is capable of ANYTHING... so I began to realize.

This openness has teeter tottered for decades - through tragedy and anger and a paralizing fear of being hurt - but each time the sweaty-palm, balled-into-fists-kid remembers the grace - the growth - the love and hands so full they are overflowing.  And with that kind of grace, there is nothing to do but let go - release it all and let God fill these hands - no matter where they've been or what shape they are in.

Like my hands, the world - people - places - events have changed my overall heart shape.  This sheltered, tender, desperately afraid heart began to develop into something I am still trying to figure out.  But a few things I have learned along the way:

1. "You can't sit on 2 horses with 1 ass, Sugar Bean" - There is a certain conviction of spirit that shapes your character with your decisions. The ones you yourself will into being and in contrast the ones God reminds you of, over and over.  I have learned, I can't proclaim to live my life a certain way and then actually live it out differently... you will, indeed fall off the horse.

2.  "Your hands start hurting" I'm sure, after long term exposure to this so called "fist clenching" it could even cripple you.  No matter where you are, you are capable of writing your own story - either by will or by force, or by God.

3. "It's like it came out of no where."  How many times do good things float into your life? They are blessings, recognize this is what they are and count them as such.

4. "If you build it, they will come."  hahaha - this one was a bit of a stretch, but I really wanted to use it.  If you build an open heart on a foundation of grace, I wonder what will fill it?  If God fills your hands, don't you think God can and will fill your heart?

5. Be courageous - with all of these things and the right decision will win out in the end.  Then you know God is in it.

Inspired

I've been itching for a few days to sit down and write.  Typically the words need the time to fill the space in my head and spill out naturally.  I'm a thinker - reflection is a part of my day whether I like it or not and when there are big things going on, I typically need a second to let this mind of mine catch up and wrap itself around it.

My last 6 months have been a bit of a whirlwind.  A whirlwind, I know, I haven't been in charge of on purpose.  Over the years God has taught me to go with the flow - and just as the Spirit moves within us, God is never wrong. So, with all my type A, planning personality - I've tried with all my might to surrender everything and ask my fearless leader to lead me, walking a wobbly step or two behind like a blindfolded kid being steered in the direction of a treasure-filled pinata.

  ..And suddenly I hit that sucker.  I have come to this place where so many things finally add up- like treasures scattered around me and they make some real sense.  I say suddenly like all of it happened overnight.  It did not.  Over years I've taken my fair share of swings - just catching air with valiant effort.  I have been the reader of this story as it slowly unfolds, consistently wondering what is up - constantly wondering why this old soul, tender heart and busy mind combined in me exactly the way they have.  But as I've watched the process of God moving in my life, I am indeed amazed, yet again, by the magnificence of the Spirit which grows inside of us as we build our relationship with "the numba one stunna".  Again and again I am reminded of the vastness and capabilities of God and as much as I plan and fret, everything is already taken care of - just like the birds of the air...  and now I see the purpose.

With all these things on my horizons, I am learning to exhale the breath I feel like I've been holding for decades.  I realize, I don't need to hold my breath - I just need to breathe and be at peace.  Feeling a bit like a little girl who has just lost her training wheels on her first bike, I find this to be the ride of my life- exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.  I know I've got a ways to go, but I'm finding my pedals and legs are connected already.

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring, will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time. Through the unknown, remembered gate, when the last of earth left to discover is that which was the beginning;  At the source of the longest river, the voice of the hidden waterfall - and the children in the apple tree, not known, because not looked for, but heard - half heard, in the stillness between two waves of the sea.  Quick now, here, now, always. A condition of complete simplicity - costing not less than everything - and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.  When the tongues of flame are in-folded into the crowned knot of fire.  And the fire and the rose are one." T.S. Eliot

The quote from T.S. Eliot I found while taking a creative writing class at Hong Kong International School.  It made sense at the time and fit my journey to China perfectly at 17 years old.  My first flying-solo trip and international flight alone. My first real starting a brand new school with all new faces.   All in one.  But the time away from home at 17 taught me so much about what I loved and needed - what it meant to really be home.  Reading the poem again now, it still applies because it makes me think of my own personal growth, the way my life perspectives have changed and developed over time - not just from the good things, but from the things that were the hardest hurdles for me to overcome.  Our sights change through our experience - like "Gold tested in fire"  we are God's constant projects and are being prepared for our own life's purpose before we are even aware of it.  God is keenly in tuned not only with our gifts, but also, with our needs. With all this preparation our insights and perspectives develop to see people, places and things in our lives which, likely, have been there - or at least nearby all along.

So, I'll leave you with some Alexi Murdoch so you can ponder your own journeys, plans, pinatas and bike rides.  Just don't forget where to find the air that fills your tires... and just breathe.

Unmistaken

Every once in awhile I wonder what God is up to...  Like I could wave a flag and call a penalty - Delay of game - What are you doing? ... This is not in the sense that the universe is being altered in some other solar system far away or how a shooting star does exactly that  - and -  how magnificent it is when I catch it.  I have no doubt that the "God reach" can alter the earth and the stars and create some natural miracle to even help clean up the mega oil spill we so carelessly and easily made.  The expansiveness of God never surprises me.  It catches me off guard, but never surprises me.  Why?  Cause sometimes I forget that someone is paying very very close attention.  Even when I think he is not -  I know that everything being set into motion is not a mistake.  Not. A. Mistake - and oh by the way, he is indeed is very observant.  


My path, however, is filled with its ups and downs just like every person out there.  Like each of us, there is light and darkness in my life.  Light fills up our beings to the brim and this is what we hold onto - like laying in the sun, it leaves a tanline on your soul - warm, contented, healthy light that you carry with you.  The darkness as a contrast to the light are our challenges, frustrations, fears, pains and finally our hurdles - these are what we are meant to climb over, dredge through and sometimes be piggie-back-rided over. (yes, I am aware that this is not an actual word.  Go with it.) 


I love my light.  It has become a part of my strength for it encourages my resilience. It helps me make some spiked lemonade when I picked up a pile of lemons.  It fills me to the brim and runs over again.  I hope it spills off the table, onto the floor and over to the neighbors house so they can have some too.  The light - as in every great story that's been told over the span of history, always battles the darkness.  And darkness is everywhere - Interesting though, is that the darkness always seems to be outside.


I am a relatively happy and contented person.  Always have been.  My parents tell stories of a remarkably happy child, and oddly enough, I'm proud that this is my given disposition.  Like God rubbed his hands together, put a sly smile on his face and said - yes, this one will be a little different.  But lately I have hit this big fat wall of - what?!  really?! Restless discontentment and frustration... I have always been mildly restless.  I think it is what makes me think outside and live outside of the box.  However, two very a-typical adjectives follow the first.  I have learned to tame my restlessness, but the surprise of discontentment and the expansion of frustration were brand spankin' new. This is not the way I would describe my life, nor the outlook I would like to have. (insert no no no no no no no no here).  :)  Let it load.  It's worth it... So, I am doing my battle with the darkness.  This is my path and while I walk it I have to always remind myself... This is not a mistake and it really is kinda kick ass. 


So - What do I know? -  I know -  My steps were carved out for me before I took my first breath.  That is my unmistaken truth.  Where I have been and where I am going are not a coincidence.  No - there are too many interconnected pieces.  Too much of a backend database attached for it to be  a "user error".  Too many unrepeatable instances of chance and coincidence that changed my life.  I have had the chance to encounter people whose light has become amazing stained glass windows in my life even in some of the most brief and happenstance encounters.  Having known and loved is not an accident.  Do it purposefully. 


To be honest, I'm not surprised that these feelings find themselves floating to the surface around this time of year.  Fall has always been my favorite -- that is until a few years ago - fall of 2007.  Now Fall is dark and holds an incredible weight.  But like the great stories of history where the light battles the darkness, the darkness never wins.  It will always be fought, and it will always lose, because the light can't help but draw out the goodness in every crack and cranny.  Even the darkest night of the soul.


I don't know where you are.  Maybe you're restless and wandering just a bit like I am.  Maybe you know exactly where you are and where you belong.  For those of you who are trying to figure it out as much as I do,  I hope this makes you think about why you are where you are and how you got exactly here. And maybe it will coax you to do it on purpose.  Whatever it is you're doing.  Do it all the way. I hope pondering this puts your mind at ease and your heart at peace. Isn't that what all of us are really looking for anyway?


So on my path that is glittered with amazing friends and wonderful family who keep me on the road when I'm stumbling a bit - they remind me to look up.  Stained Glass Windows fully lit. Sunrises. Sunsets. Harvest Moons. Christmas Lights. Fall bonfires.  Those are my descriptives for you.  Go forth and set the world on fire.  ;)