Even in the Dark

What is your story?  Is it written already?  Let me ask you again - is it written already?  Dear God, I hope my story is less of a story and more of an-in-the-process-of-being-written song - give me some gushy lyrics and a couple good b-flat minor resolutions.  My ear is much like my perspective..

How do I write this and not make it sound like the most boring cliche analogy on the planet?

I am in search of the zing-er.  The unique.  The extraordinary.  The miracle.  I don't want to think or act, or react like everyone else.  It is remarkably boring. Personally, I have found if you do it the way its been done by everyone else, there is no room for anything to grow, or your heart to change or your life to improve, or to suddenly possess the capability to see any of the things I mentioned in my list above.  Those are the things I love about life. And my perspective is one of the things that consistently change my game.  I want the miracle.

My perspective and my heart are not always this way.  No, I did not say "were."  I said are.  It is opposed by its very nature...
I am relatively buoyant, but I fight my fair share of darkness.  And there are continuous clouds that hover. They are thick and dense and have the very unusual ability to hide all that is good.  You see, the darkness has this very easy allure to it, pulling you in, over and over again, just for a moment making you doubt and forget all the things that make you who you are, and worse, it covers over all the things that make you believe you are worth the miracle.

Yes, this is also my battle. One that I don't readily raise my hand to tell the world.  It's why I surround myself with inspirational quotes. They are reminders of the things I need to focus on, remember, look for, search for, strive for and be open to.  They remind me to breathe.

The truth is, the darkness is a lie.  Yes it whispers treachery and memories of things we love and hate - and preoccupies with glorious distraction.  But at its very core it hinders growth and love and healing and movement - that is why it is a lie.  However, the darkness is a part of all of us in whatever hurdle we face. Even the most lively bright and blazing life has its battle with the darkness.  So rather than pull a "Hey You've Got To Hide Your Love Away"  Stop hiding.  Refuse to believe the lie.  Be Courageous with your life... (inner pep talk dialogue... :)

A couple years ago I spent my Tuesday evenings in the company of about 30 or so kiddos.  60 pairs of eyes would be peeled on me and my accompanist for every bit of 90 minutes.  Talk about pressure.  This group of 4th through 9th graders who knew what was up.  Kids are amazingly honed in.  They know when you're making shit up.  They know when you're not sure.  They call your bluff. They know when you are pulling their chain.  They were my choir and I was their director.  I had to earn their trust.  I had to show them, that I not only cared about their voices, but I cared for them as ridiculously smart, fun, amazing human beings who were still figuring out where they fit in the world - just as they are. (Cough, cough - me figuring out my place in the world too.)

Often music exposes the soft underbellies of what we hide, not only in our heads, but it fights the darkness and reaches down into the depths of the heart.  Music, it so perfectly hones in the senses and the physicality of you becoming the instrument is incredible.  The voice, a piano, a guitar... a symphony, a choir has the ability to reach into the quietly tucked away human spirit.  The kids knew this.  They experienced it with each other.  They could recognize it in each other when it was really good.

One of our rules became "Be Courageous".  If the kids were singing and had their own part - if I couldn't hear them, if the audience couldn't hear them - the message - their gift - was lost.  Even if they weren't sure it was exactly right, the courage to sing was more important than to hide behind 29 other voices.  I could always hear the difference.  That one no longer quieted voice always made the difference.

So today, I give you my soft underbelly. The things I don't want to talk about.  I want to be buoyant and ablaze and strong and fearless and brave.  Of course I fall short.  But there is always the courage to look up, even in the dark and see the stars. It is my reminder - how can I keep from singing?  The story is still becoming.

And here is one of those that reminded me to wake up and tell a story - maybe part of mine - Blue Orchids, Sun Kil Moon

Unmistaken

Every once in awhile I wonder what God is up to...  Like I could wave a flag and call a penalty - Delay of game - What are you doing? ... This is not in the sense that the universe is being altered in some other solar system far away or how a shooting star does exactly that  - and -  how magnificent it is when I catch it.  I have no doubt that the "God reach" can alter the earth and the stars and create some natural miracle to even help clean up the mega oil spill we so carelessly and easily made.  The expansiveness of God never surprises me.  It catches me off guard, but never surprises me.  Why?  Cause sometimes I forget that someone is paying very very close attention.  Even when I think he is not -  I know that everything being set into motion is not a mistake.  Not. A. Mistake - and oh by the way, he is indeed is very observant.  


My path, however, is filled with its ups and downs just like every person out there.  Like each of us, there is light and darkness in my life.  Light fills up our beings to the brim and this is what we hold onto - like laying in the sun, it leaves a tanline on your soul - warm, contented, healthy light that you carry with you.  The darkness as a contrast to the light are our challenges, frustrations, fears, pains and finally our hurdles - these are what we are meant to climb over, dredge through and sometimes be piggie-back-rided over. (yes, I am aware that this is not an actual word.  Go with it.) 


I love my light.  It has become a part of my strength for it encourages my resilience. It helps me make some spiked lemonade when I picked up a pile of lemons.  It fills me to the brim and runs over again.  I hope it spills off the table, onto the floor and over to the neighbors house so they can have some too.  The light - as in every great story that's been told over the span of history, always battles the darkness.  And darkness is everywhere - Interesting though, is that the darkness always seems to be outside.


I am a relatively happy and contented person.  Always have been.  My parents tell stories of a remarkably happy child, and oddly enough, I'm proud that this is my given disposition.  Like God rubbed his hands together, put a sly smile on his face and said - yes, this one will be a little different.  But lately I have hit this big fat wall of - what?!  really?! Restless discontentment and frustration... I have always been mildly restless.  I think it is what makes me think outside and live outside of the box.  However, two very a-typical adjectives follow the first.  I have learned to tame my restlessness, but the surprise of discontentment and the expansion of frustration were brand spankin' new. This is not the way I would describe my life, nor the outlook I would like to have. (insert no no no no no no no no here).  :)  Let it load.  It's worth it... So, I am doing my battle with the darkness.  This is my path and while I walk it I have to always remind myself... This is not a mistake and it really is kinda kick ass. 


So - What do I know? -  I know -  My steps were carved out for me before I took my first breath.  That is my unmistaken truth.  Where I have been and where I am going are not a coincidence.  No - there are too many interconnected pieces.  Too much of a backend database attached for it to be  a "user error".  Too many unrepeatable instances of chance and coincidence that changed my life.  I have had the chance to encounter people whose light has become amazing stained glass windows in my life even in some of the most brief and happenstance encounters.  Having known and loved is not an accident.  Do it purposefully. 


To be honest, I'm not surprised that these feelings find themselves floating to the surface around this time of year.  Fall has always been my favorite -- that is until a few years ago - fall of 2007.  Now Fall is dark and holds an incredible weight.  But like the great stories of history where the light battles the darkness, the darkness never wins.  It will always be fought, and it will always lose, because the light can't help but draw out the goodness in every crack and cranny.  Even the darkest night of the soul.


I don't know where you are.  Maybe you're restless and wandering just a bit like I am.  Maybe you know exactly where you are and where you belong.  For those of you who are trying to figure it out as much as I do,  I hope this makes you think about why you are where you are and how you got exactly here. And maybe it will coax you to do it on purpose.  Whatever it is you're doing.  Do it all the way. I hope pondering this puts your mind at ease and your heart at peace. Isn't that what all of us are really looking for anyway?


So on my path that is glittered with amazing friends and wonderful family who keep me on the road when I'm stumbling a bit - they remind me to look up.  Stained Glass Windows fully lit. Sunrises. Sunsets. Harvest Moons. Christmas Lights. Fall bonfires.  Those are my descriptives for you.  Go forth and set the world on fire.  ;)