On Lockdown

What do you have in your life that you keep on lockdown?  Is there a certain part of your life, an insecurity, a miriade of hurts, a feature you would rather not display in public? What about you do you hide away?

The Beatles said it perfectly - Hey, you've got to hide your love away...  just one of the many examples I could list, because I have a list... My insecurities tumble down like a hand written note, scratched out with precision.  But why?  Why do I hold these things so close?  Why do I keep my list?  Is it really for me in a protective, progressive sort of way?  Or is it what I have chosen to carry?  How does my carrying of these things affect who I am and what I am willing to show to the world?  And what would happen if I decided to drop  my heavy load at the door?  Is my act of will reversible?

I have often wondered if I have a level of self-sabotage ingrained in me - and I wonder, too, how I came to own such a trait.  Sabotage by definition is the complete opposite of everything I hope and want for my life.  It is any underhand interference with production - to disable, vandalize or cripple.    To read those words, I hope there is no connection between this description and me...  Ah, but it is true - as I think of the things on my list - they are contrary to everything I hope for.

  So why?  Why the sabotage?  As these things do, our lists eat away at our insides... my sleep... our potential, our hopes, our dreams, our love, our miracles and they become hurdles for us to climb as though they were mountain passes rather then the adventure, the riveting story, the perfect song.  Couldn't they actually become blessings if we let them?

This is not one of those parting of the skies moments where I can tell you the answer.  I don't have one.   But I know there is one there somewhere. We all have bits and pieces of brokenness in us.  But the human spirit by its nature is resilient.  It bears, it hopes, it loves beyond what we think we know of love if we open ourselves up to it.  In my experience, I have found God is most present in my moments of brokenness and vulnerability.  For me, it is a time of surrender, to say without any outside motivation, I cannot move forward on my own - my load, I cannot carry.  I know I need to drop it, but I am terrified.  But the fear should never prevent us from the next step forward.  Sometimes we can't see the one that is directly in front of our faces, but if we take it - even if we can't see the one to come after the first one, we are still headed in the right direction.  Sometimes the lesson is simply that we are being lead and all we are meant to do is follow. - as Grandma K would say - "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."  And just because we can't see the whole path doesn't mean we are lost.  It just means the compass doesn't belong to us right now.

So I have made my list and have checked it twice - but it might be time to rip it up.  I need to rip it up...  After all, I am the only one who is keeping track.  And so, I dig deep - farther down than I ever wanted to go and take out the lockdown.