Love, among other things...

The things we don't talk about... I almost never mention the "L" word and whether or not I am in or out of it.  It is a taboo topic in some respects, I would say most specifically within the realms of social media.   It's like PDA if you see too much of it on the book of faces... for some, it's like heavens, hold back the up-chuck reflex. God bless the lovey-dovey; they are the others who love to see it in action.  (Yes, I would say I too, am hopelessly sentimental and air on the -dovey side)  I love seeing love in action - wedding photos, engagement photos, happiness oozing out of the the crevices...

We tread lightly on the topic of love before "it's ripe" as it is something each of us feels individually and as much as two people can "be in love," it is two separate states of being that overlap and give and take and push and pull and encourage and grow and reflect and change.. it is a gift.

 “All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is exclusively my own.” - Goethe

It is true that love for each of us can be like a horse of a different color; it is always moving and changing and developing with new shapes and sizes, but it is always present, always there.  I love my family, I love my yorkie, I love my friends, I love... I love.  You too can fill in your blank.  But to fill it in, it can't be a kinda sorta thing - it must be an "all the way."

So why go and talk about it now?  God, give me the truth and be big about it.  Because I need to be reminded of the who, what, when, where, why and how. 

Who - me, you, freaking crazy Al down the street are all loved. It might be by your Mom, or your sister, or your kid, or that dead sexy significant other of yours, but don't hold it hostage.  Let it go. Give it away.  Fall into it and by all means, let it breathe.  Be true about it - centered, complete, perfect, pure.  It is something you not only completely deserve, but if you give it away like just like that, don't you think a gaggle of folks will radiate to your warmth?

What - My brother-in-law says "Love is teasing."  While I'm not quite sure that is the aspect of love i'm working on here - he has a point.  He knows me well enough to know where I'm touchy, where I get mad, when I am annoyed... And don't you think he perfectly pushes my buttons when he wants to?  Love knows the real stuff and the pain points and the pressure points and keeps on going anyway... It endures, even for my teasing brother-in-law. ;) love ya P!

All kidding and teasing aside, I would say my life quest, my life adventure- has always put me in search of that which is true. Truth. Real. Unabashed. Unbridled. Brave... love.  It does not shrink - it triumphs, no matter what hurdles lie in its way, because that is the nature of love - it bears all things.  It is the biggest, greatest most vital gift we as humans can give and take from each other.  But it can't have hinges, or conditions it just is because it can bear it.

When - It is funny the things that fall into place when you take this one collosal step - in my experience, I have felt like everything I was intended to be fell into place at exactly the right time.  I am stronger, more capable and alive - "There is no fear in love - for perfect love casts out fear."  When you know it's worth the risk.  When you know the other half of your scenario wants everything you entail - whether it be a new flame, family, friend and sometimes even foe - the good, the bad, the ugly, the broken.

Oh, but hells bells it is scary.  There is an incredible level of vulnerability that takes place when you give love away and allow it to come in - I think that is what gives you strength in the end.  You are strengthened by the love of the other because you have allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to know the truth and there is something so incredibly incandescent about the truth.  And regardless of the outcome, isn't it better to say - man, I gave everything I had from the depths of my heart and loved all the way.  I would much rather do it that way then look back on my life and go - damn, I missed it.  I will always do that every time, because that is my gift.

Where - "Where there is not love, put love and there you will find love." St. John of the Cross

That was the quote I chose for the yearbook my Senior year of high school, by default.  One of my friends called dibs on the one I was going to go with... aaaand I would say this little ditty by St. John of the Cross, has weaseled its way all over my life, ever since... completely unintentionally.  In my most challenging moments, this is what helps me center myself.  What do I choose?  Love.  It will happen in the most unexpected and unlikely places, and I can say with complete honesty I've always been surprised, humbled and even on occasion, honored by what God puts into being.  Perfectly planned before I even had an inkling to expect it.

Why - It is an ever fixed mark. No, really it is - think about this in application to your own life and existence.  Your constants - do they really change much?  Why is that?  Are they people in your life, places, why them?  I suspect you will find love somewhere at the core.

But first, in this story as it unfolds, I've had to find it within myself. My unique love. Not just once, but over and over again - it's not a one trick pony, it's a constant moving, spinning, growing, changing of the within. In my spiritual realm of understanding, love for me, is the channel between you and God which enables you, the giver, to do exactly that.  The real thing is not easy nor is it cheap. It is balance and care and protection it "bears it out... even to the edge of doom."- or so says Shakespeare and I tend to take his word for it since he has an expert-ish status on the topic.  Now I think doom is a pretty extreme place, but it means what it says - It heals and binds up and grows and covers.

Of all my faith, my strength lies in love - and my heart is completely my own, a heart that has never been before.  I am an only. The same is true for you - You are an only with a spectacular array of "own-ness" with gifts and talents that go unmatched. And that in itself shows the creativity of the creator, to throw the stars in the sky in perfect harmonious alignment and to knit each of us together with perfect uniqueness.  So remember your Big Love - you've got it.

So amongst my ramblings... Here is a bit of the newest musical experiment - the assembly of the Infinite playlist, still in progress.  It's mostly some of the favs I've been listening to recently.  Enjoy!

"For a moment I thought I saw your eyelids rise"

I have sat looking at this page several times throughout the last few weeks.  The result has been a white page with a blinking cursor, winking at me as I ponder...  I have found most of the time I too just need a little time to process... gleaning through a mind that works too quick for its own good. 

Lately I've been reading a stack of books - mostly to help curb the apnea that steals away my sleep, but also to calm a restless mind - Yes, it's always been restless - this is no different than it's been since I was in grade school, or high school, or college.  But these books remind me of the things that are most important to me, the person who I want to be and what I hope to bring to those around me... I can't put my finger on what it is exactly - it's not any single thing, but I want to be a jambalaya of joy and grace and hope and peace and understanding and love - all things that any of us might need with the deepest sincerity I have to offer it.  And in turn, I want the truth - Not an abbreviated version, or a hidden agenda - but the truth - all of it.  

Those who have the closest spots in my life don't lie to me - even if they know it's not what I want to hear. They tell me the truth because they know I will respect the truth - Truth requires courage.  And the things that are the truest aspects of our lives - what is it that makes them real? - I think usually you will find, they are based on the truth.  There is no replacement or substitute and there is no compromise.  So the books I read at night when I can't sleep remind me of these things - the big things - the reason I write - the reason I sing - the reason I keep trying to be something better than what I am right now.  They remind me that we all have Ransomed Hearts...

"I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have.  I think it is right to refresh your memory..." 2 Peter 2:12-13

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly... who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never known neither victory nor defeat."  - Teddy Roosevelt

"Hope is not what you expect; it is what you would never dream.  It is a wild, improbable tale with a pinch-me-I'm dreaming ending... it is not a granted wish or a favor performed; no it is far greater than that.  It is a zany, unpredictable dependence on a God who loves to surprise us out of our socks and be there in the flesh to see our reaction." - Max Lucado

Like my lack of sleep, there is so much that occupies our time - our thoughts, eats up our money, stresses us out, dulls our interests and steals away our reminders of these things that are most important to us - the things that make us so perfectly unique and most importantly - the things that make us come alive.  It is a certain tragedy when all of who we are is dulled by the unimportant information - what we "ought" to do verses what we love and where we are most gifted.  Had I known in college what I know now, I would have possibly made different decisions about my education, maybe different decisions about my life - instead of searching for "livelihood" and "safety" I think I would have searched for "fulfillment".  What is it that fills us up - Wakes us up  - and makes us come alive?  Where in that restless mind is there room for your heart? 

And so, I lived buried - for years. I was salty and a certain pessimism began to take over my insides.  I had let it live there and had let it grow.  And then a few years ago, I changed my mind and decided to live by my heart - I woke up.  Risky, atypical and at times even scary.  But with every ounce of who I am, I want to live a life with an unaffected heart.  Unaffected in a way that I will not hide because of what has come and gone before - we each have our stories, our things that have happened, our chests full of ache.  But, we are also meant to live through them to grow and change and become - better, stronger, more complete, more compassionate people by the things that test everything we are..."as gold is tested in fire.."  Maybe it makes me naive - to see the world as full of hope and exist in it - in a way like you've never been hurt.  It is my theory that the greatest rewards come with the greatest risks and usually there are miracles mixed in there somewhere...  Surprise.