Who you are...

My gut said to call this one, "Who you are in a world you do not understand." Hm, she ponders generously.  My last six months have been a bit topsy turvy.  I know I am not like everyone else in the way I connect with people. There is no buffer.  I am who I am at face value.

I would claim openly to be a chicken-shit adventurer.  I house within me some sort of a wild heart - with a passport full of stamps, a college experience away from home and a couple of tattoos to mark life events and folks I wish to carry with me, always. I am not a rule breaker.  I simply long for authenticity. Something that leaps within me and desires earnest goodness, miracles and the greatness of the unexpected.  I don't want to fool it, or trick it or manipulate it into being.  I want to encourage light.  ...I don't know exactly what that means, sometimes when I write without an outline the words just tumble.  Well, it's been six months since I've written so here they come - careening forth like a gasping breath.

This wild heart of mine seems to be my counter point, possibly, to my personality.  A natural planner, since the age of 16 I've been the friend organizing outings, concerts and Saturday night bowling for as long as I can remember.  But there is something to be said for going with the life flow and allowing God to set your sail.  In some instances I learn and am reminded to let go, like the hard-headed gopher who finds his home on the 9th hole.... what does it really take to avoid the golf balls?

I am not afraid to take a chance, nor am I afraid of getting hit in the head with a couple of golf balls... especially if the end result seems well worth the trouble.  My Scottish grandma used to say "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." I am a lot like her.  I know I am.  I choose to see the best in people and I choose to find the growth in my life.  Only I can help myself be better.  It goes along with the whole encouraging light idea.  I choose to take a chance on the things I think are ultimately good.  I have conviction of heart and that is my gift.  In more than one instance this has resulted in big breaks and big burns. From these I ache - physically, mentally, spiritually because I pour it all in.

At the bottom of my emails I have a Cadet Maxim quote:

Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible. - Cadet Maxim

I choose it because it is how I want and do live my life.  I will not be afraid of the ache or the pain of what I know could happen.  I choose to love because I know the possibility of the miracle exists and I will always leave room for a miracle.  One day, I will see it come into fruition.

As I mentioned, is not the burning itself but the aftermath where we have the choice.  We can choose to learn and grow repent and forgive and in the process heal the hurt.  Or, we can cover it and pack it away and carry it like a suitcase. The latter is burdensome and contradictory to growth; along this way we let it rot our hearts.

I read a book a few years ago called Captivating.  It is the single place where I learned and saw what I was carrying. Things I had buried and hidden away were weighing me down like a heavy load into my adult years.  It manifested itself in many ways which were ultimately not good for me.  It was in the surrendering of my load on the Gulf coast about three years ago where the story began.

I stood on the beach at the very edge of the water and there the tears came. They rolled down my face and into the ocean where I surrendered my load to God. Hurts I didn't know were there bubbled up and fell into the clear blue water that washed around me. And that is when I realized exactly where my hope rests - with God.  It is not in my own capability or mental capacity that I love or grow or heal or stand or move or breathe or sing or be who I am.  It is in grace that I do these things.  It is in love that I do these things.  I am not who I am without it.

I am on this path.  I have chosen this path.  God guides my steps and covers me with unending grace and love.  "So lay your head beside a better burden, until the heal has come.  You will see sunrise again."  I choose love.

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